The second part in an undetermined number amount series associated with the "demons" that live within us all, this time the talk shifts to simple acceptance and identification of said demons i.e. why you do the (negative or hurtful) things you do.
Of course, I can only speak on my own behalf, as everyone has their own unique brand of dark side; some pitch black and others just going on dusk. Myself, I find myself somewhere in between and only occasionally dipping into one extreme or the other but in most cases, it's usually pretty consistent.
My worst enemies are jealousy and rage, it seems.. Control issues, yes; in some ways. I'm not a dictator, and do not mandate who a person can or cannot see, but sometimes just seeing my significant other just talking to someone I don't know can throw me into an internal frenzy. It takes a little temporry disconnection and a lot of willpower to force the demon back down.
The interesting part is that the demons usually play well together, and appear to be great fans of teamwork, so, will work together diligently to achieve their goal, whatever that may be. Nothing good, I can assure you. So. The pang of jealousy strikes and only moments later, rage washes over me and my nerves are shot almost instantly, but, you'll never even know it unless I told you.
I'm either blessed or cursed with this very stoic affect most of the time, and don't easily let on that something's bothering me. if you know me very well, or more likely I've told you about how I act in certain situations, you'll be able to pick up that I get quiet and really go inside myself. Conversations will be short, not in a callous way but I'm just not there, and preoccupied with something else. That's also when I make myself very scarce.
See, I've spent enough time with the demons to know that it takes a lot of energy and my full concentration to quiet them down, and external stimulation from people or anything, is definitely best avoided. Some are quite the converse, however, and do best with distraction to deal with their troubles; just which type you are is up to you to know and/or decide. Every situation is different though, and there may be times when my more introverted side needs to take a break and let some noise in to blast them the hell out. Knowing what works best when only comes with careful self-observation and, dare I say, meditation (which, I do not necessarily mean as sitting cross-legged on a cushion for hours a day - I simply mean to say time spent in reflection, be it on a walk, at your desk or whatever).
Acceptance comes into play because otherwise you're just continuing to make excuses for your negative habits or behavior rather than making real, positive changes in it. So, as long as that cycle continues of denial, you can best be sure you'll pick up a few more demons along the way; they like to party, these guys..
But just because you have demons does not mean that YOU are a demon. No. I won't get into my own ideations regarding the religious influence such things but lets just say ease up on yourself a little, if that is your belief. You're human, it's ok to not be perfect; in fact, it's better than ok. Demons are a part of us, and you can free yourself from their influence but never live completely free from them. If we did that, we would cease to be ourselves and soon wouldn't recognize ourselves.
Acceptance is very powerful, and liberating in and of itself; alcoholics do it all the time. You know, "Hi, I'm ______, and I'm an alcoholic". Know your enemy, name it; learn to contain, not suppress. Learn to live with these demons and let yourself see that you don't have to continue to be a slave to them; they can live on inside of us without causing direct emotional (or otherwise) harm, it just takes practice and patience. But first you have to accept it.
After that comes identifying both your demon and what it causes you to do, how it causes you to act. Do you drink, smoke, fuck it away, break something or hurt someone, or hurt yourself? All these manifestations need to be studied and carefully considered to start building a case file on your demon; it's the only way to best them with lasting success.
It's not a fun process, and no one ever said it was easy but persevere and soon you'll begin to notice yourself living out your days free of their clutches; just be aware that this is a very critical and especially vulnerable stage for a person.. You have grown wise to the demons who constantly tricked you, and drug you back down with them. Now you're standing on your own, all alone, and that can be a scary thing. It's not uncommon to go running back to the safety of the darkness.
"Out of a fear of the unknown, people prefer suffering that is familiar" - Thich Nhat Hanh
And it's true. You'll fall off the wagon many times, just keep getting back on it until you're strong enough to hold on by yourself. It'll happen in its own time, as long as you want it to. And that is another crucial point: there is no point in undergoing this journey if you cannot muster the willpower to face the darkness and stare directly into it. It's good to be scared but cowardice will only feed the demons and make them stronger. So, if you're not strong enough or mentally prepared to commit to it, then don't do it at all. Or seek professional help. Every case is different. Know thyself.
The way I see it, there is never truly a mastery over the demons, as that in itself would entail just another manifestation of some deep-seeded control issue; Instead, seek solidarity with the devils, and learn to harness their energy for what is beneficial, to you and to others. You will find that the demons are not as scary as originally thought, and that they have their own place in your psyche; they have a purpose.
If we don't challenge ourselves to go deeper, we stagnate and erode away under years of neglect and abuse, originally aimed at gaining "control"; Think of the ultimate goal as gaining understanding instead, of yourself and of the demons that drive you. Then you can begin to open yourself up to the possibilities and potential inside you and attract that positive change you desire.
No comments:
Post a Comment