Confessions of a Yoga Dick.

Wow. I threw some harsh indictments out there last night, some unnecessarily grating, painfully-obvious-to-the-point-of-definite-insecurity-and-shame-because-of-it judgements and criticisms. I do that. Attack other people when I get tired of attacking myself. But my answer to everything? 

Do Yoga.

Yeah. In a perfect world, everyone would be inverting themselves and so mindful ad nauseum that nothing would ever be bad or wrong and we’d know just how to deal with something best and get over it with relative ease. Right. T would seem that my yoga world very often fits so well into my skewed idea of “reality”, and becomes something of a fantasy itself. 

I, am a Yoga Dick. But I really don’t mean to be; it just… happens. Sublimely self-righteous and brimming with the need to control, I scour my psychological landscape, and others’, finding kinks and chinks in the marrow and doing my best to interject with some post-modern wisdom from antiquity. It can be REALLY annoying, and I can only imagine what I must sound like sometimes: Am I THAT guy? Major dread face. 

For my part, I mean well and really just want the best for people. I’m one of those people who are really good at seeing what’s wrong with something but not really that good at all at offering practical advice or ideas on how to go about solving it; I would appear to be a bit of a one-trick pony, much to my chagrin. 

So, yes, I battle constantly with this thing called an EGO. I thought I got rid of it long ago, or at least came to peace with it when I went on that fantastic psilocybin trip but I’ve long-since been learning that it is definitely a journey and not a destination like I had once thought. Now I’m going on 30 years young in less than a month and I’m faced with my own shitty behavior I’m still finding myself tempted to run from.

By all outward appearances, I have it made: A beautiful and naturally striking Asian girlfriend who makes beautiful babies and has one adorable and sweet boy of her own, who also loves the shit out of me. And we have each other. Of course, even the best relationships have their particular challenges and upsides and downfalls but what lies at the core of this one is something real. It’s just all the other “stuff” that gets in the way; her stuff, but mostly my stuff. Internal stuff. That stuff you write about and dream about and think about all the time. That stuff that’s you, inside.

This stuff in and of itself is not such a bad thing, it’s just how we deal with it ourselves and together that determines if said stuff is going to be a problem or not. When you aren’t always the most open and sharing with your stuff, it creates this parallel universe in your mind that’s like a parasite feeding off the one you’re really living. One day you wake up and you’re sucked dry and cease to exist, maybe you never did because you were just so caught up in this other “stuff” you think you want to do but aren’t doing, never doing. 

It’s kids and work and bills and any number of societal obligations that become the manifested wedges between ourselves and our “selves” that ultimately drive us to some matter of psychosis, either slowly over time or abruptly and tears apart the fabric of being surrounding us. It changes us. Unchecked and unfulfilled lives and desires breed contempt which breeds hatred either passively or aggressively and before we know it we’re spinning out of control in this cycle of abuse that we tried to work so hard at avoiding in the first place. It’s really interesting, and sad. 

I still hold out hope that yoga is that one true thing (read: gift) that we can all “do”, and benefit from to some degree, whether it’s to gain strength and tone up or down to secondarily bump up our self-esteem and love for ourselves, or to just chill the f out and learn to let stuff go, and truly relax. But sometimes when we get started down this path, we get so excited by our own results that we become a little over-zealous and, intentionally or not, begin to proselytize and throw seeds where they were never wanted or asked for. 

Just because it worked for you, doesn’t mean it’s going to work for everyone else, no matter how many styles or teachers there are out there and just because a person looks to you like they need your help and “infinite wisdom” to get through life doesn’t mean they want or need it from you. Maybe even at all. So, keep up with your own practice but kindly butt out. Check that ego at the door and ask yourself if you’re really offering your help out of the kindness of your heart or some other, more sinister, karmic… thing, man.

3 of Poetry

"I must create a system of be enslaved by another mans'. I will not reason and compare: my business is to create."

That about sums it up; thank you, Mr. Blake.

For what seems like a long time now, I've been wanting to do this writing thing. For real. It is, however, all too easy for me to overlook the fact that I am already doing it. I am a writer and it's what I do, regardless of what I do or do not have published or in print.

But I have something to say. A lot, actually, and I want to reach a wider audience because I don't know why. Why the hell not, really.

It's something I'm guided by, driven by... I haven't made much of it but this blog and actively putting my stuff out there has been such an immense personal step for me, and the fact that people come up to me and mention how they "read my blog" touches me so deeply my eyes are moist just thinking about it.

It's a labor of love, and the best I can hope for is that someone can feel it when they read it, the way my favorites make me feel it when I read them. Thank you, Henry Miller.

I have big things in mind but, as with all important things in my life, time must be taken for the seed to reach its full germination, when it is strong enough to grow on its own. When that time comes, I just know.

Part of my confliction is my relationship with work: I enjoy staying busy and feeling I have a purpose, and of course making money to be able to live but so often that's all we have time for. We get up, go to work, come home for a little then go back again. Writing is as natural for me as breathing but it always has to contend for a time slot with the rest of my societal obligations. As much as I would love to just spend weeks or months at a time living the Walden life, it is simply not practical at this point. In this society, though I am gaining much optimism and hope for the future I want as I get further into 'Off The Grid'.

I only wish to create meaningful things that others can relate to but getting it going in any kind of direction is tough when you're as neurotic and hyper-critical as I am but I write every day (pretty much), and part of being a writer (part of being anything) is that it never sleeps. Day in, day out I'm observing, taking note, refining, studying and solidifying my own unique version of life; one day it will be a great read ;)

It all starts with one.

There's something to be said for working in a psychiatric hospital, and I've learned a few things in the short three years Ive been there, and learn more every day. When I first started, I actually pretty much hated it but I realize now it had more to do with not being over, or able to get over, my own personal bullshit; I carried it with me everywhere I went, and as such, was not a very good person (by my stringent standards).

So, now three years later, the teachings of life are becoming apparent to me, and I'm actually starting to enjoy my job there; it's certainly unlike anything anyone else does in a day, and abnormal is the norm. It's exciting, entertaining, seldom boring, and there really are a lot of great people there, both staff and patient. There's always going to be those certain few who push our buttons but those are the ones we stand to learn the most from. 

Whether you work in an office building or a psych ward, life is tough and people can really get on your fucking nerves but everyone has their baggage they carry around with them; it's just more apparent with some, and less appealing to us than others' whom we relate to more. Try your best not to judge, don't poke around in other peoples' business and tend to your own, because it doesn't tend to itself. 

Despite my cynicism, I really do love people, and I love helping them; it's not always accepted or appreciated, and sometimes people just aren't at the point where they're ready to hear what I have to say but it still feels better to say something real and genuine and uplifting to someone, even if they shut you out, then to say nothing at all and let the cycle of bad or harmful behavior knowingly continue on unchecked.

You can't save everyone but you can at least try to save one.

Living with Demons, part 2: Acceptance/Identification (Know your enemy)

  The second part in an undetermined number amount series associated with the "demons" that live within us all, this time the talk shifts to simple acceptance and identification of said demons i.e. why you do the (negative or hurtful) things you do.
  Of course, I can only speak on my own behalf, as everyone has their own unique brand of dark side; some pitch black and others just going on dusk. Myself, I find myself somewhere in between and only occasionally dipping into one extreme or the other but in most cases, it's usually pretty consistent.

  My worst enemies are jealousy and rage, it seems.. Control issues, yes; in some ways. I'm not a dictator, and do not mandate who a person can or cannot see, but sometimes just seeing my significant other just talking to someone I don't know can throw me into an internal frenzy. It takes a little temporry disconnection and a lot of willpower to force the demon back down.
  The interesting part is that the demons usually play well together, and appear to be great fans of teamwork, so, will work together diligently to achieve their goal, whatever that may be. Nothing good, I can assure you. So. The pang of jealousy strikes and only moments later, rage washes over me and my nerves are shot almost instantly, but, you'll never even know it unless I told you.
  I'm either blessed or cursed with this very stoic affect most of the time, and don't easily let on that something's bothering me. if you know me very well, or more likely I've told you about how I act in certain situations, you'll be able to pick up that I get quiet and really go inside myself. Conversations will be short, not in a callous way but I'm just not there, and preoccupied with something else. That's also when I make myself very scarce.

  See, I've spent enough time with the demons to know that it takes a lot of energy and my full concentration to quiet them down, and external stimulation from people or anything, is definitely best avoided. Some are quite the converse, however, and do best with distraction to deal with their troubles; just which type you are is up to you to know and/or decide. Every situation is different though, and there may be times when my more introverted side needs to take a break and let some noise in to blast them the hell out. Knowing what works best when only comes with careful self-observation and, dare I say, meditation (which, I do not necessarily mean as sitting cross-legged on a cushion for hours a day - I simply mean to say time spent in reflection, be it on a walk, at your desk or whatever).

  Acceptance comes into play because otherwise you're just continuing to make excuses for your negative habits or behavior rather than making real, positive changes in it. So, as long as that cycle continues of denial, you can best be sure you'll pick up a few more demons along the way; they like to party, these guys..
  But just because you have demons does not mean that YOU are a demon. No. I won't get into my own ideations regarding the religious influence such things but lets just say ease up on yourself a little, if that is your belief. You're human, it's ok to not be perfect; in fact, it's better than ok. Demons are a part of us, and you can free yourself from their influence but never live completely free from them. If we did that, we would cease to be ourselves and soon wouldn't recognize ourselves.
 
  Acceptance is very powerful, and liberating in and of itself; alcoholics do it all the time. You know, "Hi, I'm ______, and I'm an alcoholic". Know your enemy, name it; learn to contain, not suppress. Learn to live with these demons and let yourself see that you don't have to continue to be a slave to them; they can live on inside of us without causing direct emotional (or otherwise) harm, it just takes practice and patience. But first you have to accept it.

  After that comes identifying both your demon and what it causes you to do, how it causes you to act. Do you drink, smoke, fuck it away, break something or hurt someone, or hurt yourself? All these manifestations need to be studied and carefully considered to start building a case file on your demon; it's the only way to best them with lasting success.
  It's not a fun process, and no one ever said it was easy but persevere and soon you'll begin to notice yourself living out your days free of their clutches; just be aware that this is a very critical and especially vulnerable stage for a person.. You have grown wise to the demons who constantly tricked you, and drug you back down with them. Now you're standing on your own, all alone, and that can be a scary thing. It's not uncommon to go running back to the safety of the darkness.

  "Out of a fear of the unknown, people prefer suffering that is familiar" - Thich Nhat Hanh

  And it's true. You'll fall off the wagon many times, just keep getting back on it until you're strong enough to hold on by yourself. It'll happen in its own time, as long as you want it to. And that is another crucial point: there is no point in undergoing this journey if you cannot muster the willpower to face the darkness and stare directly into it. It's good to be scared but cowardice will only feed the demons and make them stronger. So, if you're not strong enough or mentally prepared to commit to it, then don't do it at all. Or seek professional help. Every case is different. Know thyself.

  The way I see it, there is never truly a mastery over the demons, as that in itself would entail just another manifestation of some deep-seeded control issue; Instead, seek solidarity with the devils, and learn to harness their energy for what is beneficial, to you and to others. You will find that the demons are not as scary as originally thought, and that they have their own place in your psyche; they have a purpose.
  If we don't challenge ourselves to go deeper, we stagnate and erode away under years of neglect and abuse, originally aimed at gaining "control"; Think of the ultimate goal as gaining understanding instead, of yourself and of the demons that drive you. Then you can begin to open yourself up to the possibilities and potential inside you and attract that positive change you desire.
 

More or less..

  I call now to the witness stand my own inner aspirations, because there seems to be quite a lot of inner conflict going on these days...

  The trouble comes from feeling the need to do more versus needing the feeling of doing less i.e. relaxation. Real relaxation, not just sitting my ass in a chair for five minutes, I mean no phone, no computer, no nothing. I need space and nature and a total disconnect before re-connecting again. This argument comes on the coattails of questioning my own yoga practice and how it balances out with my many other fitness aspirations, and furthermore, what those even are.
 
  I like obstacle runs. Spartans, Tough Mudders, trail runs or just regular old mud runs; I like that challenge, and I like to feel challenged and pull through something I didn't think I could. Part of it is just primal, the other part largely ego-driven, I'm sure but nevertheless, it's important to stay active and in good overall physical health, right?
 
  Well, yes. And no.

  You see, keeping a challenging physical routine going is not bad in and of itself. What's perceived internally as being negative is the stress and pressure I pile on top of myself every day to do something, anything, because if I don't I must surely be a failure and am going to be overweight tomorrow. Yes, it's sickening.
  I'm 29, 5'8 and 151 pounds, so I don't have much to pinch and thanks to my diligence in the past I have a fairly sculpted physique; I'm not chiseled out of stone but I look and feel good. I have run a Tough Mudder, a Spartan Sprint this year, a bunch of other 7+ mile trail runs in winter and other foot races of varying lengths. I'd say I'm in pretty decent shape.

  But it's never enough. I want more and be harder and faster and stronger but all the while the cortisol builds and my nerves are constantly frazzled. I thought exercise was supposed to help decrease stress?

  So this got me to thinking: What am I doing? And more importantly, why?

  I'm still not quite sure of that answer but in the meantime, I've convinced myself that I'm not a super-athlete, nor do I wish to be, and it's ok to take a day off. It's probably more than ok, actually. You know, go meditate for ten minutes to clear your headspace, have a nice dinner with your family and enjoy a beer dammit, because you earned it.

  Less is more, and it's a continuous struggle to completely assimilate the teachings of that lesson but it's getting there; like all things, it's a work in progress. Cheers, friends.

 

Note to self

Note to self:

Don't let those proud moments, the needy moments when we feel the need for someone to validate our existence for us get the better of you. Nip that shit in the bud early on and flourish later.

-Shane 8.14.13