inner conflict and its place in the creative mind

  I woke up a little scattered and neurotic today, instantly flying off into my OCD-like tendencies of neat-freakiness and bringing about order to chaos. I'm still unsure as to whether these drives come out of a need to control, or if they are actually somewhat benevolent in their intentions i.e. de-cluttering and organizing a messy room. Whatever they are, they're here to stay so I just make the best of it.

  No yoga to speak of yet but it's coming, I wanted to get this out first. As I've mentioned before, I consider writing to be an incredibly useful and powerful tool, and I hold it in as high regard as meditation; though they have their differences, the end result is the same: clarity of mind and focus. Sometimes there's just a lot of stuff that gets in the way, puts up blockades from the more important stuff, what we should be focusing on and what is most important. What that is to each person may be different but only subtly; we all just want to live our life and be happy, to spend it the way we want with the people that brighten our days.

  But the creative fire isn't always firing on high in men and I'm conflicted as to whether it is still as beneficial to write on those days where it just seems hitting the keys or pushing a pen around the paper is a form of torture. My guess is that doing a little is always better than not doing anything, so I write anyway but my creative ego rages against me and then the inner critic comes out, telling me that 'it's crap' and why would anyone want to read this stuff when I don't even like writing it?
  Some days are just like that; they can't all be zingers. There's days where we're ready and willing to set the world on fire (as in chock full of inspiration), and others where we could care less if it ended (as in severely lacking even the motivation to get out of bed).

  I've only recently come to accept this inner critic and conflict as all being one in the same within me, and that it's as much a part of me as the more positive attributes. So I deal. It's not always easy or fun but letting my fear of coming off sounding contrived or allowing anything less then the extremely high standard I hold my creative workings to escape my fingertips, I just write and let it go. I get it out and who knows, maybe someone else is feeling the exact same way I am on one of those shitty days, and they just needed to know their feeling is validated by sharing it with someone else.

  And if not, at least I feel better; I get my stuff out of the way so I can try to help others with theirs. That's what we're here to do, so lets stop carrying around all this extra shit and get it off our chests so we can keep that slate clean. Then everyone benefits.