inner conflict and its place in the creative mind

  I woke up a little scattered and neurotic today, instantly flying off into my OCD-like tendencies of neat-freakiness and bringing about order to chaos. I'm still unsure as to whether these drives come out of a need to control, or if they are actually somewhat benevolent in their intentions i.e. de-cluttering and organizing a messy room. Whatever they are, they're here to stay so I just make the best of it.

  No yoga to speak of yet but it's coming, I wanted to get this out first. As I've mentioned before, I consider writing to be an incredibly useful and powerful tool, and I hold it in as high regard as meditation; though they have their differences, the end result is the same: clarity of mind and focus. Sometimes there's just a lot of stuff that gets in the way, puts up blockades from the more important stuff, what we should be focusing on and what is most important. What that is to each person may be different but only subtly; we all just want to live our life and be happy, to spend it the way we want with the people that brighten our days.

  But the creative fire isn't always firing on high in men and I'm conflicted as to whether it is still as beneficial to write on those days where it just seems hitting the keys or pushing a pen around the paper is a form of torture. My guess is that doing a little is always better than not doing anything, so I write anyway but my creative ego rages against me and then the inner critic comes out, telling me that 'it's crap' and why would anyone want to read this stuff when I don't even like writing it?
  Some days are just like that; they can't all be zingers. There's days where we're ready and willing to set the world on fire (as in chock full of inspiration), and others where we could care less if it ended (as in severely lacking even the motivation to get out of bed).

  I've only recently come to accept this inner critic and conflict as all being one in the same within me, and that it's as much a part of me as the more positive attributes. So I deal. It's not always easy or fun but letting my fear of coming off sounding contrived or allowing anything less then the extremely high standard I hold my creative workings to escape my fingertips, I just write and let it go. I get it out and who knows, maybe someone else is feeling the exact same way I am on one of those shitty days, and they just needed to know their feeling is validated by sharing it with someone else.

  And if not, at least I feel better; I get my stuff out of the way so I can try to help others with theirs. That's what we're here to do, so lets stop carrying around all this extra shit and get it off our chests so we can keep that slate clean. Then everyone benefits.

Presence.

  Quite possibly the hardest thing for me to deal with has always been my lack of ability to stay focused on what is present, what is right in front of me. It's only too often that I'm off in my head somewhere ahead of or behind where I am right now, where I should be, and this has always been a source of internal and external contention for me in my life.
  One could possibly try and make an argument that social media lets us embrace staying on top of the present with a multitude of posts and 'likes' but this is not even remotely close to the same, because it gives one no further control or insight into their minds' own ramblings, and why you do what you do.
Be careful with that control word, though; it can give you a whole other set of problems.

  Jealousy, bitterness, rage.. all these come from that neurotic place inside us we don't stop and check in with enough. Some call it meditation, others call it a power nap and still others go for a walk; truthfully, it really doesn't matter what you do to tap back into yourself and disconnect from the rest of the world for a few minutes, just that you do it.
  It can be as easy as standing in line at the grocery store. Obviously, this is where our Western impatience comes into play, as we all have somewhere to be like 20 minutes ago but just stand there. Don't peruse the gossip rags, don't start critiquing peoples' fashion sense and what ever you do, DO NOT play along with your mind's little games; it's a bored puppy that wants to grab the toilet paper roll and drag it around the house so you chase it and get all agitated and late.
  STOP.
  BREATHE. A little slower now, and deeper. Nice and easy, one after the other. Now focus on that, and how good it feels to fill your lungs with oxygenated tranquility. Feel your anxiety from only seconds ago melt away with each deepening breath until you realize you were so lost in it that you're next to check out and people are now glaring at you. Then smile at them and say, "Oh, I'm sorry, I was just caught up in the present".

21st Century Yoga Man

  There's a bit of a stigma attached to being a yogi in this day and age; I guess to be fair, it was that way in all days and ages but especially in this one, only because I'm completely caught up in it. By the way, a great big nod to King Crimson (in the title)..

  The stigma of being a yogi is something I'm not at all uncomfortable with, as I've always walked a different path in my own life, perceived and translated things differently than possibly the norm. So, the social stigma does not concern me so much as the personal stigma I impose on myself.
  You see, I'm a bit of a purist when it comes to things, and am very much an all-or-nothing type of person. I remain a bit cynical of technology (though undoubtedly hopelessly yet willingly bound to it, and recognize its importance, or at the very least, merits, in our modern society) and tend to reject most of what is considered popular opinion in favor of anything "traditional". I'm a bit old-school, in that sense.
  Now, this is really not TOO much of an issue unless you are as neurotic as I am, and insist on tracking down that unicorn of perfection: It simply does not exist and I remain painfully aware of this, further complicating and contradicting matters. So, I have a confession:

  I love beer. Craft beer. I love the culture and the "scene" and everything about it, even the snobby ones who smell grapefruit and buttered toffee in the nose.

  The conundrum is that alcohol is about as un-yogic as it gets. It really does nothing positive for the body or mind or humanity in general, for that matter. But I love it. Ok, at the very least I just highly enjoy it, because I view it from the culinary and alchemical perspective: It's a process to brew it and takes quite a bit of ingenuity, basic knowledge of natural ingredients and definitely an insistence on high quality to make it in this market. There's also a lot of passion in it, and I can speak for myself and many others to say how rewarding it is to track down a long sought-after beer and enjoy it either with good company or good food; preferably both.
  All these things are contra-indicated to the path of the yogi, however, and as I do not like to do anything half-assed, this creates a bit of inner turmoil in me. I generally do not mix the two; I will do my yoga early in the morning or before the last meal of the day, then treat myself to a beer later with said meal, or just abstain altogether, depending on the day. This method generally works but I still feel that nagging in the back of my skull that tells me, "clearly you are not a yogi at all, and don't you dare talk of yourself as one". But here's the thing:

  I AM one, a yogi.

  No one has ever said anything to the contrary or tried to tell me otherwise (mostly because it's not something I broadcast in my daily life) but no one has to because that voice comes out of me, and even if someone else were to, I probably wouldn't hear a word of it anyway.

  The point is, if I have anything resembling one, that the fact remains how we do NOT all live in India, or in caves, or can afford to practice every nuance of a tried and true yoga practice every day, though it is good to read up on your classics to have a fucking clue as to where it all came from and what the original intention behind it is; knowledge is power, after all. (And it's sexy, too..)
  We live in a pretty confused time but I think it's probably always been this way. It's just not practical to give up all our earthly possessions and vices and become strict ascetics. Some do, and succeed and seek what they sought to find but for the rest of us morning, noon, night and weekend warriors, well: It's every bit as important to have a life, too. All considerations taken and put aside, once you start to restrict the things you love, especially that you may only enjoy occasionally, you create more anxiety and resentment within yourself and this can manifest in any number of ways, none of them good.
    Without getting into a long discourse of what a true yogi is and is not, let's just say that it is likely for all peoples' best interests EVERYWHERE, despite belief sets or personal dogma, to take care of their bodies and their minds; this, of course, meaning through intake and output, in all manner of ways. Food, water, air, clothing, expression, emotion, conduct, etc; it's a lot more than just funky postures. No one ever said anything about not being able to enjoy the things you love in life. So, I suppose the age-old maxim "All things in moderation", is really the most practical advice of all (granted common sense is being utilized).


  I'm no closer to an internal settlement with this little personal debate but for now, I will continue to love BOTH beer and yoga, each in their own time and place.