Nietzsche-Peachy

To me, the most life-affirming thing is to have soul conversations with similar human spirits. Makes you feel a little less insane and maybe validates your existence and what you're about, just a little.

For instance, sheeple. You know, the unawakened, unenlightened. Those who go about their sleepy existence thinking that this is it, this is as good as it gets and this is how things must be everywhere. Television becomes a deity worshiped on asscheeks around the world. I'm not saying everyone has to share my disdain for how spiritually retarded we've become as a human collective, I just want questions to form in your mind when faced with authority or social injustices and I don't want you to just go along blindly with the popular opinion. Have one of your own! Even if it's not to have one.

What is it that causes one person to wake up, and another remain asleep? Is it choice? Or something else? A condition of the heart, perhaps: A hardening, a great constriction of the thing to hang on to what it holds so true, so dear; a defense mechanism for a world out of sorts.


  I've gone back to reading Nietzsche lately, so you'll have to excuse my recent philosophical bent. The man is my idol, however, and not only that but my literary guru, to boot. Most everything I learned about myself, I learned largely in part thanks to him. No bullshit. Reading him changed the course of my life permanently and I am ever so thankful for this world that produces such people who open our eyes and inspire us, especially when we're bombarded incessant;y every day with the mediocre and inconsequential. Nothing matters. Nothing we're told does, or should, anyhow.
  What matters is going home at the end of the day to something or someone you love, and doing what you do for the betterment of yourself and others, not just wasting away on a little cloud of consumerism and fantasy everyday that everything is just ok. Denial gets tricky, best not to mess with it.

  Mr. N and I disagree on a lot of surface things but it's never the surface I'm really concerned with. Something as simple as having a conversation with someone is enough, sometimes. Some study the words spoken, others the tone and timbre; still others, myself included, lose sight of the words immediately in favor of what lies behind them. It's very much like deciphering code.
  Well, in a way it is a code. Our psyches are so efficient and skilled at erecting our grand defensive archetypes that many times we aren't any the wiser about it until one day we are. A lot of times, I don't even listen to what's being said; I space out studying the space the words are coming from and the feeling behind it. It stands to reason then that this is why I've never been a "lyrics person", when it comes to music; for me, what strikes me first and foremost is the feeling driving the piece. What the group is saying, because each member (provided these are real musicians and not some poppy piece of bubblegum shoe shit no talent ass-clowns) is telling you a story.

  This is a huge digression but the nature of my writings have always been a bit rambling and more akin to something conversational (believe me, if you've ever gotten me into a conversation of something I'm really passionate about, you'll hear my neediness assert itself proudly), so they never really have a clear destination most times anyway. But I was talking about music, and for the aforementioned, this is probably the reason I always aligned myself so readily with metal music, though I truly love all types. Like attracts like, and I am attracted to intensity of thought and feeling, to speak to my own. Not saying The Eagles lack this but I'm a true junkie and metal has given me the only fix strong enough to give me that little taste of death they all go for.

  There is no logical conclusion to this entry, but there never was one intended. I just wanted to write a few things and talk about something I was fired up about and inspired enough to write myself (publicly) out of the funk I've been in. Any of you who read me regularly will probably notice it's been a little while since I've posted anything. Well, yeah. For me, the creative process is very cyclical, and just as the moon and our own biorhythms go, my creativity is largely at the whim of waves and mercy. But, it is most importantly a craft, and as such, should be practiced ad nauseum, until it's like breathing.
  I also wanted to mention the actual web site I'm working on (that I largely procrastinated on for months, it seems) is in the works (really) and is beginning to take on some form. I don't know if perfectionism comes with being of a creative mind but it really does get terribly frustrating sometimes, and very unproductive but shit's getting done, and I'm getting excited about it, most importantly. This blog was ultimately just a starting point, a dip of the toes to test the water before jumping in head first, and it's gone amazingly, thanks to you.

Thank you,
Shane

Living with Demons, part 2: Acceptance/Identification (Know your enemy)

  The second part in an undetermined number amount series associated with the "demons" that live within us all, this time the talk shifts to simple acceptance and identification of said demons i.e. why you do the (negative or hurtful) things you do.
  Of course, I can only speak on my own behalf, as everyone has their own unique brand of dark side; some pitch black and others just going on dusk. Myself, I find myself somewhere in between and only occasionally dipping into one extreme or the other but in most cases, it's usually pretty consistent.

  My worst enemies are jealousy and rage, it seems.. Control issues, yes; in some ways. I'm not a dictator, and do not mandate who a person can or cannot see, but sometimes just seeing my significant other just talking to someone I don't know can throw me into an internal frenzy. It takes a little temporry disconnection and a lot of willpower to force the demon back down.
  The interesting part is that the demons usually play well together, and appear to be great fans of teamwork, so, will work together diligently to achieve their goal, whatever that may be. Nothing good, I can assure you. So. The pang of jealousy strikes and only moments later, rage washes over me and my nerves are shot almost instantly, but, you'll never even know it unless I told you.
  I'm either blessed or cursed with this very stoic affect most of the time, and don't easily let on that something's bothering me. if you know me very well, or more likely I've told you about how I act in certain situations, you'll be able to pick up that I get quiet and really go inside myself. Conversations will be short, not in a callous way but I'm just not there, and preoccupied with something else. That's also when I make myself very scarce.

  See, I've spent enough time with the demons to know that it takes a lot of energy and my full concentration to quiet them down, and external stimulation from people or anything, is definitely best avoided. Some are quite the converse, however, and do best with distraction to deal with their troubles; just which type you are is up to you to know and/or decide. Every situation is different though, and there may be times when my more introverted side needs to take a break and let some noise in to blast them the hell out. Knowing what works best when only comes with careful self-observation and, dare I say, meditation (which, I do not necessarily mean as sitting cross-legged on a cushion for hours a day - I simply mean to say time spent in reflection, be it on a walk, at your desk or whatever).

  Acceptance comes into play because otherwise you're just continuing to make excuses for your negative habits or behavior rather than making real, positive changes in it. So, as long as that cycle continues of denial, you can best be sure you'll pick up a few more demons along the way; they like to party, these guys..
  But just because you have demons does not mean that YOU are a demon. No. I won't get into my own ideations regarding the religious influence such things but lets just say ease up on yourself a little, if that is your belief. You're human, it's ok to not be perfect; in fact, it's better than ok. Demons are a part of us, and you can free yourself from their influence but never live completely free from them. If we did that, we would cease to be ourselves and soon wouldn't recognize ourselves.
 
  Acceptance is very powerful, and liberating in and of itself; alcoholics do it all the time. You know, "Hi, I'm ______, and I'm an alcoholic". Know your enemy, name it; learn to contain, not suppress. Learn to live with these demons and let yourself see that you don't have to continue to be a slave to them; they can live on inside of us without causing direct emotional (or otherwise) harm, it just takes practice and patience. But first you have to accept it.

  After that comes identifying both your demon and what it causes you to do, how it causes you to act. Do you drink, smoke, fuck it away, break something or hurt someone, or hurt yourself? All these manifestations need to be studied and carefully considered to start building a case file on your demon; it's the only way to best them with lasting success.
  It's not a fun process, and no one ever said it was easy but persevere and soon you'll begin to notice yourself living out your days free of their clutches; just be aware that this is a very critical and especially vulnerable stage for a person.. You have grown wise to the demons who constantly tricked you, and drug you back down with them. Now you're standing on your own, all alone, and that can be a scary thing. It's not uncommon to go running back to the safety of the darkness.

  "Out of a fear of the unknown, people prefer suffering that is familiar" - Thich Nhat Hanh

  And it's true. You'll fall off the wagon many times, just keep getting back on it until you're strong enough to hold on by yourself. It'll happen in its own time, as long as you want it to. And that is another crucial point: there is no point in undergoing this journey if you cannot muster the willpower to face the darkness and stare directly into it. It's good to be scared but cowardice will only feed the demons and make them stronger. So, if you're not strong enough or mentally prepared to commit to it, then don't do it at all. Or seek professional help. Every case is different. Know thyself.

  The way I see it, there is never truly a mastery over the demons, as that in itself would entail just another manifestation of some deep-seeded control issue; Instead, seek solidarity with the devils, and learn to harness their energy for what is beneficial, to you and to others. You will find that the demons are not as scary as originally thought, and that they have their own place in your psyche; they have a purpose.
  If we don't challenge ourselves to go deeper, we stagnate and erode away under years of neglect and abuse, originally aimed at gaining "control"; Think of the ultimate goal as gaining understanding instead, of yourself and of the demons that drive you. Then you can begin to open yourself up to the possibilities and potential inside you and attract that positive change you desire.
 

Living with Demons, part 1: Seance/ Inherent darkness

  I feel that we're maladjusted in our modernized Western world to deal with issues of the soul, and especially to safely live with our own darker natures, which I will from here on in refer to as "demons".  We all have them: Those tendencies, the "crazy moments" when we lose or shit for a few minutes. For some, the demons come to surface all on their own. For others, a catalyst is needed; a seance must be performed to bring them to light. I consider drinking (alcohol) to be one such seance; it goes across the board for any drug, though.

  I've had plenty of my own encounters with the demons who reside within me, and plenty of bad experiences at my own seances; all my friends have. When people come together to be friends, especially like my own, I consider it to be because our demons play well with each other, and this could be perceived as either good or bad. It is what it is of course, and there's nothing we can do about it.
  Therapy can help, or any other method of getting deeper in touch with yourself (of course if you know me, you know I'm going to say yoga) but the fact of the matter that our culture seems to neglect to realize, understand or accept is that these demons are as much a part of us as the angels.

  I am not a religious person, mind you, so don't take these references out of context; it's simply the best and easiest way for me to describe the light and dark elements at play within all of us. It has nothing to do with God or the Devil, and neither your personal beliefs or mine mean a pinch of shit in the matter, frankly, because they will bring us up or tear us down solely dependent on our level of understanding of them and the respect we give them. Or don't give them.

  I have a friend. I had a friend, rather, who died recently. Many of you reading this know him. There has been much speculation as to the ultimate motive and cause behind his accident that I'm not going to get into, mainly because no one was there; no one knows what was going on in his head or the reason his car left the road that led to him no longer being with us. One thing is for sure, though: If he was drinking in his typical fashion, then the demons came out to play, and they got the upper hand.
  It could be any of us, and has almost been me a few times, driving home when I should not have been, just fueled by alcohol and rage at nothing in particular but directed at myself, driving like an asshole. I crashed twice now like that and finally learned my lesson. It's just too short, life, and I like myself much more now than I did then. I just didn't know myself, who I was or where I wanted to go in this life; still don't but I've come to better accept this. Now if I'm going to have a seance, I make sure it's in a place I'm willing to spend the night at, and sleep those demons off.

  But not everyone is so lucky.

  It really doesn't matter what story you tell yourself to give you inner peace at the end of the day because ultimately what it comes down to is, if you play with fire, you're going to get burnt. Everyone's luck runs out sooner or later. Shit happens, but it can be avoided.

  This is not a case against drugs or alcohol, and I still firmly believe that there are certain natural substances that have amazing capabilities for opening up avenues in us we had never dreamed of, provided they are used with proper knowledge, positive intention and respect; every increase of consciousness has its price.
  If anything, I blame our "spiritual leaders". All these fat cats stuffing their greedy pockets with everyone's green, selling them salvation from themselves when these people are no role models themselves. The fact that you're a man of god does not automatically wash you clean of your demons, they just evolve and adapt and come out in other ways, more subtle ways. But these religions teach nothing of how to live with our demons, they don't tell us that we're just an interplay of light and darkness and that no matter what you do, you just are who you are.
   I don't feel I've been led anywhere, nor would I want to be. We all have our paths we follow in this life, so your best bet is to find a sage person who has walked a similar one before you, to guide you along. Looking in the wrong places for such guidance only leads to more resentment, and confusion. It's a slippery slope, and I don't believe man is inherently anything; we all come up around certain influences which begin to shape our understanding of and interaction with the world around us, these eventually get roots and deepen into philosophies and constitutions, and before you know it we're set in our ways, be it perceivably "good" or "bad".
 
   Some people are just more at home in the darkness than others, and sometimes that darkness will swallow a person whole.

  This is just the first of a few parts of a subject very near and dear to me, so check back later for more. As always, thanks for reading,

Shane